Today was….Well, it just was…

Well, here I am again going back to me….Today was the first day of my fall break….I woke up and went to work. I have three days worth of orders to make up for my Army unit. So, I worked today and I’ll be working tomorrow, and again next Thursday….So, anyway, work today was fine. I stayed busy, like I always do when I am at work. Then my cousin finally called me back this afternoon….I have been calling her for the past 2 days. Then I got off and called my cousin back….I needed to talk to her about some personal things so I couldn’t talk to her until I got off…

I talked to her the whole way home, then for another hour after I got home….(This months phone bill should be interesting.) Then I got a text from Justin. My cell battery was almost dead so I called him from my house phone, told him I was home from work and to come over when he was finished putting his guitar strings on. We had made plans to go to a movie tonight. I had been in a good mood, or at least a semi-good mood, all day….Then, I guess while I was getting ready to go, for some reason my mood changed. I didn’t get in a bad mood, I just lost some, if not all, of my pep. Damn female hormones…I hate it when they go haywire and my moods change for no reason at all….

So, Justin gets to my house, I’m ready to go, and we picked out which theater we were gonna go to. Then watched TV until it was time to go…..I’m usually in such a good mood when I see Justin. I tried to get out of the blah mood, but I just couldn’t. I’m still in that mood right now actually…I guess I have been thinking about a lot of things, and I can’t shake them….I know exactly what’s bothering me, but I feel stupid that it’s bothering me….It’s starting to stress me out.

It’s about, what else, me and Justin. I know how I feel about him, I think I know how he feels about me….I just think I need to hear how he feels. I haven’t told him how I feel yet (directly anyways)…..I think deep down inside I need to both hear how he feels about me and tell him (directly) how I feel about him. Man, I hate feeling this way.

Why won’t I just tell him? -

1. Because I am afraid that he might not feel the same way I do.

2. Because if he doesn’t feel the same, I will have ruined everything between us because I jumped that ‘feelings’ gun…

3. I refuse to say ‘it’ first because I’m so afraid of being hurt, and I don’t know if my heart can take being broken again…..(sounds pathetic, but sadly it’s true …)

Why won’t he tell me how he feels? -

1. We have talked about this before, and he told me that he is also afraid of getting hurt…

2. He also told me that he doesn’t want to say “something” to me without knowing for sure because he doesn’t want to hurt me….

3.  Probably because he’s been hurt before too, and he’s afraid of getting hurt again….

I worked so hard to keep my protective walls up around my heart as a way to ensure never getting hurt again….I guess I didn’t work hard enough….I fell so hard and so fast for Justin….I guess the main thing that’s bothering me is that I don’t know if he feels the same way I do, and I’m afraid that if he doesn’t I’ll be heartbroken again.

I had a conversation with my cousin, who is also my best friend, a while back about the way I feel about Justin…I told her that I didn’t think I’d ever really been in love before and that I wasn’t really sure how it felt to be in love….I do know what real love feels like, I’m just afraid of it. Love hurts, plain and simple, love hurts….

On a different note….I get into these funks where I just feel lonely all the time, even when I’m not alone. Like tonight, on the way to the movie we talked and laughed and I sang this stupid song that was on the radio, during the before the previews music we talked some more, we commented on the previews (“That’ll be a good movie…,” Whoa, that movie looks scary…,” etc…), during the movie he held my hand, put his arm around me, I held his arm, I curled up and cuddled up next to him (as much as a person is able to do that in a movie theater seat…), I kept looking over at him thinking how lucky I was to be with such a great, fun, sexy, nice, caring guy, we kissed…But the whole time I felt so far away from everything…I felt so alone…Then on the way home, I felt so bad for not being in a good mood. This was the first time Justin & I actually went out somewhere alone together. We usually just rent movies, order take out, stay at my place or his place and have fun just being around each other, or go out with friends, or come home together after his shows, or something else. We always have so much fun together, I felt bad tonight for being in such a blah mood. I’ve never been like that around him….I guess I could look at it in a positive light…For instance, he finally got to see the me that isn’t bouncing off the walls happy, and he still wanted to be around me and hold me and kiss me…He still cared about me. That does make me feel better. Knowing that even if I’m not all smiles and chipper, Justin still cares about me. He still wants to talk to me, try to make me laugh, hold me…He still wants ME. It feels good to be wanted…

This is probably all just my hormones, damn those stupid things, and damn the one week out of every month that they decide to try to ruin me. I’m gonna take a xanax and go to sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better in the morning…Hopefully these feelings will all be better in the morning…Maybe my fucking hormones will go on sabbatical….God, I hate feeling this way…

If I offended anyone with this post, oh well….You should have stopped reading it the moment it started offending you, so when you think about it, if you did get offended, it’s your fault for continuing to read!

For those not offended, thanks for letting me share all my pathetic problems with you…Come back to my blog again and I’ll have more fun stuff next time!

Until next time, Happy Blogging!