I feel like my world may cave in…

OK, so I went out to eat with my family today.  We went to Olive Garden.  Anyway, we had a good supper.  My brother and I always make everyone laugh when we’re together, and tonight was no different.  My dad and I talked about Army stuff, my mom and I talked about medical stuff, my brother and I talked about personal stuff, and the four of us talked about lots of stuff!

At the close of the meal, my dad turns to me and says that my brother has told them he stopped smoking.  I replied by saying something like, “Good, why are you telling me that?” He asked if I had quit smoking yet, and I honestly replied no.  Then my mom turns to my dad and says, “Well, I’m going to tell them something, and I’m going to tell them because of her.”  (The “her” my mom is talking about is me, of course.) Then my dad decides that since we have paid for the meal, we should probably leave and head for the parking lot.  Of course, because my dad wants to get out of the restaurant, I immediately know that whatever my mom is about to say is something B-I-G…..So we walk outside.

Mom starts telling us about a medical test she had done, and how the doctors told her that because of the way the lining of her bladder looks, she could have cancer of the bladder, or bladder cancer.  She talks to me about it for some time….I listen, she has tears in her eyes…..I can’t stop staring at her and I can’t stop listening to her.  She told me that smoking causes this type of cancer, and because she has never been a smoker, and neither has my dad, I asked her how she would have gotten it if it’s caused by smoking.  She says the only way she can think of is that when she was a little girl, her daddy (my grandpa) smoked like a train before he finally quit….

She told me all of that, my head was spinning.  She kept saying that my smoking cigarettes won’t kill me now, it’ll kill me 20 years from now, and she won’t be around to help me.  I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t.  I was upset with her.  She has known about the fact that she may have cancer.  They biopsied her bladder a while ago, and she is waiting for the results.  She should have told me sooner.  I didn’t know what to do.

She has already survived breast cancer.  She is in remission now.  She has said to me many times that it would be nice to have grandchildren someday, and since I’m 26 years old and my brother is only 21, it’s pretty clear to me that she means it’s about time for me to have babies…..I don’t know if I can have babies because of my own health problems, now I am worried that if I am able to have children, I might not have them in time for her to meet them…..and if I’m able to have children now, if I keep smoking I may jeopardize that by continuing to live the way I live…..

I know I need to quit smoking.  I want to quit smoking….It’s just very hard.  I don’t want to be scared like I am now…..I feel like my world is crashing down on me.  If only my parents knew that my brother hasn’t really stopped smoking himself….then I wouldn’t be the alone in the scare…..

~Until next time, Happy Blogging!~